Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Cold Nostalgia
You're not the same anymore, I don't know you. What was once a warm and comfortable thing, is now a cold unfamiliar void. Even if you said all the things I've wanted to hear for so long.. it wouldn't matter.. too much has happened. As I write this, my head is aching and my stomach is turning. Why? Because you make me feel so many things that hurt. From the outside it looks as though I've let you go. As if.. I don't care about you anymore. That's why I'm glad people judge the outside rather than taking a closer look. We used to write to each other when we were apart. And now.. I can't seem to shake that longing to tell you how I feel. There's so much that I've wanted to tell you, yet so much I want to keep from you. I want so desperately to return to how we were, but there's something so dark about the cold nostalgia you make me feel. I've dreamed of your face many nights since I last saw you. I awake with a mixed feeling. Happiness and disappointment take over my heart leaving me feeling guilty for missing you. The truth is, I'm so angry for loving you. If I had it my way, you would be erased from my mind. But erasing you, would erase some of the best and happiest moments of my life. Moments when what I felt was so strong that it couldn't even be explained or put into words, even if I tried. Moments when I learned about myself and how to love someone. Now.. all I'm left with is your memory. Vivid images in my head of your smile, the funny faces you would make, how you looked when you were sleeping, how heartbreaking you looked when you cried.... and I can hear your voice in my head, and your laugh. I even remember exactly how it felt when you hugged me, and the warmth of your arms. As much as it hurts to think this... maybe I just need a hug from you. Or at least... from the memory of you.
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hmm... we all go through hard times. maybe this person was going through their own personal struggles but tried so hard to hide them from you because they wanted to be strong in your eyes but unfortunatly it turned into something bad for both of you. bad choices, things that should have been unsaid, people that shouldnt have been hurt. sometimes we cant avoid the hard times in life because of our own stubborness. we just got to hope and pray that we learn from them and become a better person. you saw that person in the calm but later saw the dark storm that was approaching. you watched the reaction of this person and were hurt and dissapointed. you saw this person go down hill and fast. but what about damage control? or the crew that should have been there to help with the disaster relief? im sure it doesnt matter now. but, we know things will never be the same after major tornado comes to distroy a family. but do you ever wonder what its like after years of rebuilding and healing? if theres a change? good or bad? friendships are for better or worse in my opinion. people change. i know that you know that. just because things will never be the same doesnt mean that it couldnt be something new. something better.
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