"To Write Love On Her Arms" Has Changed My Life

        I remember being 15 years old, feeling like I was the only person in the world dealing with the secret shame of self mutilation. At this time, I was feeling more alone than I ever thought could be possible. As naive as it sounds, I thought my addiction to cutting myself was unique. It just wasn't something that people were comfortable talking about. I remember being taunted and talked about because of the scars on my arms that were only visible for seconds at a time.. I had become very fond of long sleeves and pants that were dark enough to hide any sign of blood that may have bled through the bandages that covered the fresh cuts on my legs from the night before. I saw counselor after counselor, but none of them seemed to have any real advice to help me find new ways to cope with my issues. After all, how many therapists do you know that have a history of self mutilation? I felt too ashamed to open up about it, especially since they had no way of truly understanding the gravity of what I was dealing with. 
       I eventually started doing my own research, reading every book about cutting that I could. And I remember the day I came across an organization that called itself, "To Write Love On Her Arms". This completely blew my mind. As I read that phrase over and over again.. it became so clear.. I wasn't alone after all. Not once had I even come across anyone who took self harm so seriously. For years I had been told it was just a phase, that I would grow out of it, and that I just wanted attention. The frustration I had felt for so long, slowly melted into hope as I read the story of "Renee". I thought to myself, "Wow... it's like someone else is telling my very own story.".... Which was something I had never done before. I never talked about it. I hid my scars as best as I could, growing silent whenever someone would make jokes about cutting. I never once considered speaking out or reaching for help by sharing my story with those who were going through the same thing.
       TWLOHA has transformed my way of living. I am no longer too ashamed to wear short sleeves. Why? Because now I have hope where there used to be fear. Now, at the age of 21, I'm not saying that I don't have those bad days anymore, where the temptation is so strong, and the sorrow is so heavy. But what I am saying... is that I now have the courage to continue on my journey of recovering from those destructive habits. I have truly been inspired to replace hate with love, not only in my own life.. but in the lives of people I have never even met. I have taken it upon myself to do my part.... To Write Love On Her Arms.

Moratorium

        

                               --I declare a moratorium on all things important--

           Originally the name of this post was going to be "The Beauty of Letting Go". However, I just learned the word moratorium, and I wanted to put it somewhere... so... yea. I'm going to use this space to talk about recent events in my life. Kinda the "News Segment" of my blog... except... not as boring.

Today was a very stressful day for my family. Lots of tears and important discussions. I sort of hung back and tried to steer clear of any unnecessary stress, due to the fact that I take medication for it. But either way, the zoloft and xanax had to work over time today. The details aren't as important as the general idea of how extremely life altering these events that took place today are. I know what you're thinking, "Is she gonna spit it out or not?". Well... no... cause chances are... if you know me at all, then I've probably already told you. However, if I haven't told you yet then there's a possibility that I don't feel like talking about it just yet. Because once again... if you know me, then you know how passive I tend to be when it comes to change. 

          OH YEA! I almost forgot... I had an interview today which I feel went very well. I'm actually pretty pumped about this because I am very tired of being broke! So hopefully I will get one of the positions I applied for. I also start counseling at the end of this month which will be beneficial in so many ways to my well being... and also yours. My mother seems to think that I'm Bipolar. No seriously.. literally, medically diagnosed as Bipolar. I've been taking meds for a while now, but perhaps I'll talk to the doc about my mothers concern. 

         Ok, so I realize that this entry is sort of scatter brained, but unfortunately that is just how I am right now. I'm afraid I might be developing a sinus infection. And once again, if you really know me at all, then you would know how sick I get when i get a sinus infection. There's been a couple times where I ended up in the emergency room due to dehydration and other issues resulting from it. My sinus infections are so bad that I get a bloody nose from the infection. But along with that, comes a fever, migraine, sore throat, nausea AND vomiting, and the lack of ability to walk without passing out. Pretty much the WORST pain I have EVER been in. So........ as you're reading this....... close your eyes......... yes....... right now....... and pray for my health! Thanks friend! I'm dead serious, I can't afford to get sick again! :) 

              Well, this about wraps it up. I'm out of words. Love ya all :)

Cold Nostalgia

You're not the same anymore, I don't know you. What was once a warm and comfortable thing, is now a cold unfamiliar void. Even if you said all the things I've wanted to hear for so long.. it wouldn't matter.. too much has happened. As I write this, my head is aching and my stomach is turning. Why? Because you make me feel so many things that hurt. From the outside it looks as though I've let you go. As if.. I don't care about you anymore. That's why I'm glad people judge the outside rather than taking a closer look. We used to write to each other when we were apart. And now.. I can't seem to shake that longing to tell you how I feel. There's so much that I've wanted to tell you, yet so much I want to keep from you. I want so desperately to return to how we were, but there's something so dark about the cold nostalgia you make me feel. I've dreamed of your face many nights since I last saw you. I awake with a mixed feeling. Happiness and disappointment take over my heart leaving me feeling guilty for missing you. The truth is, I'm so angry for loving you. If I had it my way, you would be erased from my mind. But erasing you, would erase some of the best and happiest moments of my life. Moments when what I felt was so strong that it couldn't even be explained or put into words, even if I tried. Moments when I learned about myself and how to love someone. Now.. all I'm left with is your memory. Vivid images in my head of your smile, the funny faces you would make, how you looked when you were sleeping, how heartbreaking you looked when you cried.... and I can hear your voice in my head, and your laugh. I even remember exactly how it felt when you hugged me, and the warmth of your arms. As much as it hurts to think this... maybe I just need a hug from you. Or at least... from the memory of you.

Goodbye Forever

     I think the thing that hurt the most is how close we were.. how in sync we were.. how.. beautiful we were together. I remember the day I first saw you. How I had such an obvious personality conflict with you, and how I couldn't stand to be around you. And when we talked of those first months, it would always make us laugh because of how invincible we had become. I remember when you got sick... and I came to see you every single day, even if it meant I had to skip lunch. I remember traveling long distances with you by my side. Even a 20 hour ride with no air conditioner was just perfect cause we went through it together. I remember all the inside jokes, sucker punches, tears, dreams, long emotional talks, arguments, clothes, notebook entries, constant text conversations, and 3 hour phone calls we shared. I also remember the exact moment when you very seriously looked me in the eyes and said, "Will you be my best friend?". I loved taking you lunch when you were working, even though you're a picky eater and always complained about it. We always seemed to get in trouble together.. mainly because you couldn't keep your mouth shut and you always told on yourself. You made me laugh when my world was falling apart, and you always told me, "Come on Teres, it's time to pull yourself up by your bootstraps." You'd never hesitate to tell me when I was wrong, even if you agreed with what I was saying. You tried your hardest to understand my passive aggressive tendencies. We were so close that we used eachother as a trashcan for our own emotional vomit. At times we tore each other down, because we knew we could get away with showing our true selves to eachother. The details of why we don't speak anymore, are ugly and hurtful, still filled with a little bitterness. Though I know you may never read this.. I just needed to say.. I forgive you. As hard as it is to reflect on the good things about our friend ship, I needed to remember you for why I loved you. And deep down, I still love you, and I always will. I try hard not to think of you, but when I do.. I look up and pray that you will have a happy life, apart from mine. Goodbye my friend. Goodbye forever.

'First Star I See Tonight..'

12:21am. I walked outside to catch my breath. Actually.. to just TAKE a breath. I looked up at the stars just as I always do when I step outside to listen to the thoughts I've repressed for the whole day. They still sparkled with mystery. They still looked down on me the same way they always have. Watching my every move, ever so silently begging me to wish upon one of them. Every other night I've made a wish, closing my eyes and sending it up towards the shimmering ocean of stars hoping at least one of them would catch it. I sat there for what seemed like hours. Then with the quick jerk of my head, I regained full consciousness of my surroundings. Still sitting there alone, still overwhelmed and drowning in my thoughts. Today was the same color as yesterday, just a slightly different shade. And all the faces in the crowd were blank with no expression. Every face, that is, but mine. I felt like the only bit of color in a black and white movie. The only one speaking in a silent film. At first glance, today would seem irrelevant... like just another day to check off of the calender of life. But today wasn't pointless. At times it felt that way, but there's a hint of 'purpose' in the air and I decided to breathe it in while shooting my wish towards the sky.. expecting nothing but the unexpected.

Listen To Your Heart

Exactly 1:00am. I sat on the end of my porch and soaked up all the September in the air. The wind was blowing in every direction, the moon peaked out from the blanket of thick grey storm clouds. No chance of precipitation. The clouds just merely 'existed'. Perhaps just as a reminder that my burden could be heavier, my days could be rainier, and my heart could be in more pieces than it is right now. Either way, the sky was picture perfect. My life.. not so much. I closed my eyes for a brief second and the wind that had just been hurling all around me, seemed to stop dead in its tracks. I thought, "So this is what peace feels like." It felt strange, foreign. It felt like I was stealing something that wasn't mine. I took a deep breath, not even the air I was breathing felt like it belonged to me.  In the still silence of this chaos, my heart screamed "Listen!", and for the first time in a long time I heard my heart speaking louder than the loud voice in my mind that had always been there convincing me of 'inevitable failure'. For a moment I relaxed.. and suddenly my heart and mind had a head on collision, causing me to remember who I am. A writer. 

Perfectly Imperfect

As much as I would like to.. I can't put anything too personal or add any names in this blog. Well, I suppose I could, but I'm the type of person that likes to get permission before doing things. (If you know me, then that just made you laugh.) But anyway, I'm on the road home ride now from Joplin Mo. And since I have a very limited amount of friends there anymore, it might seem kind of strange that I would have made a trip there. Well trust me, it wasn't any sort of vacation. In fact, it was more or less a tiny part of a very long drawn out punishment enforced by the state of Missouri. In other words.. I was obligated to appear before a Judge today. Those who know me, know exactly what I'm referring to. Let me just say this... if you ever think about drinking and driving.. DON'T. It shouldn't be taken lightly. It's very serious. Life is way too short to live with regrets... but this is one of mine. I happen to be extremely lucky that I was able to walk away from it. As I grow up, I am starting to realize that you don't have to wait for a tragedy before you decide to do things differently. I'm definitely not perfect. I'll just leave it at that. 
-Ters Out-

The Future is Now. :)

You ever wonder who you are? Why you're living? What you should do with your life? 

These are things that I have been pondering lately.

I like to think of myself as a dreamer.. but one thing that I've learned since graduating high school is that dreaming too much can sometimes become a hindrance. I've dreamed up a lot of dreams, I just haven't had the courage to do anything about them. I'm 21 years old and I only really know a few things about myself that I'm 100 percent sure of.  I know that I like art better than math, I like writing better than science, I like depth rather than being shallow, I like random more than organized. These things are just the tip of my creative iceberg. Speaking of iceberg.. I'm watching "Titanic". But anyway, I wanna know what your dreams are. I wanna know who you are.. what makes you tick.. what wakes you up in the morning. And also I want to know what makes you an individual.. because I know that you are. And by you... I mean anyone. :) 

Thought I'd just share these thoughts before resting my mind for the night.

-Ters Out-

You want it? Baby you got it.

This is a random blog about a few different things. :)

You know what's great about Batman? His extremely and ridiculously deep voice. That, and the really cool light thing that shines up in the sky. Ok, so I've seen "The Dark Knight" and my first thought was that it's one of those few movies that I'd actually watch again. Who wouldn't want to watch a magic trick that ends with a pencil jammed into someones head? Couldn't have pulled that one off better if I did it myself!

This one is a subject in which I'm well versed. I gotta say, i've seen people do some pretty stupid things when they were drinking. And I'll admit, I've done some things that would make Paris Hilton look smart! For example: attempting to do a cartwheel and landing on my face... bloody mouth and everything. Or riding a scooter down a hill. Or.. running. Or.. walking on a nature trail only to slide off into the river 3 feet below. Or locking myself in some random bathroom cause I couldn't remember how to work the lock. Needless to say, drunk people are idiots. (No offense to Lindsay Lohan.)

Oh Walmart... gotta love free entertainment. I'm guilty of just sitting on the bench outside and just watching people walk out. Why? Cause you can meet some crazy people at Walmart. That's where the freaks go when they get bored sitting at home. Me included. However, one thing that never changes is those kids that can't stop touching crap or saying "Mom...mom.. mom. Mommy, mother, mom!" And after like 20 minutes of this, even Ghandi would have slapped his kid. I know I probably would. It's pretty entertaining to watch mothers yell at their kids in a public place. Don't get me wrong... I think every kid needs to be corrected.. so i'm glad they at least try to make their child behave. What REALLY DRIVES ME NUTS..... are the parents that won't make their children behave! The ones that just keep taking the slim jim from their kid and putting it back, and putting it back, and putting it back, and putting it back, and putting it back, and putting it back, and putting it back, rather than just saying "NO!". Man I love people. Almost as much as I love sarcasm.

I............. LOVE leg warmers! They never shoulda gone out of style in the first place. I have a few pairs myself. And seriously, they'll keep your legs warm while showing the world just how fabulously stylish you are. If you don't have any, get some! Or just take the scissors to a pair of knee socks. And if you don't own any knee socks.. you and I need to have a little chat about how awesome they are and why you are punishing yourself by not participating in the knee sock club. Olivia Newton John wore legwarmers just as well as Lady Gaga wears waffles... which... I think I all know... is pretty dang well!

Sorry it took so long to blog again. I have a few ideas of what to do next. You're welcome to suggest anything!

-Ters Out-

Putting the "Idiot" in Idiosyncrasies. :|

Well... if there's one thing that makes me smile... it's knowing that I'm not the only one that gets more than a little irritated with people's little idiosyncrasies. So I conducted a little survey asking some of my fellow coworkers what their biggest pet peeve is when it comes to working with the public. Funny thing is... once they got started... it was hard to stop them! ;) So here we go. If you have anything you want to add.. feel free to add it in a comment.

Pet Peeves: Courtesy of my coworkers
(By the way.. there are MANY that aren't listed here.)


"When the customer brings in their own bags and they are barely big enough for 1 item but still gets 5 cents off."


"They take their time getting out there money, do they not realize we are timed?!"


"Customers handing you their money all crinkled or folded up."


"When a customer is on the phone and completely ignores you."


"When they expect you to know what the hell they are thinking."


"Customers complain about something you have no control over."


"When they question every single thing you do."


"When the put all different kinds of fruit in one bag and then tie it when they need to be weighed separately."

"It's annoying when your in express and someone tries to get by the person your helping."

"They let you ring up the entire order and THEN tell you that part of it is WIC."


"People who completely ignore the "close sign".


"When you ask them if they want their milk in a bag and they act like you should feel honored that they "let you" put it in a bag."

"I'm really tired of the joke, "If it doesn't ring up.. then I guess it's free, huh?""


-Ters Out-
:) Love ya all.

"I'm sorry... I just... don't really like you."

You know what tastes worst than anything in the entire world? Orange juice right after you brush your teeth.
Anyway, I've needed to vent about certain members  of the "celebrity life" that I just... well... I can't stand them. This is my top 10 list of celebrities that really make me wanna hit my head until I knock myself out.

10. Martha Stewart
I really don't even think I need to explain this one..

9. Tom Green
He is just.. nasty. And not in a good way!

8. Carrot Top
I just... hate him.

7. Joan Rivers
Please... stop claiming the right to judge everyone else's appearances. Who freakin' cares?!

6. Donald Trump
For GODS SAKE, SOMEONE TELL HIM HIS HAIR IS REPULSIVE!

5. EVERY SINGLE ONE of the Kardashians!
We live in a world where talent has absolutely NO IMPACT on who we choose to give a reality show to.

4. Kate Gosselin
Those poor babies would have been just fine without being in the spotlight 24/7. Kate was at the Emmy's this year...... WHY?

3. "The Situation"
Never seen Jersey Shore. Never want to. This guys nickname is enough to make me wanna puke.

2. Paris Hilton
Get a job.. get some talent.. get something!... besides arrested. (rolling my eyes)

1. Kelly Osbourne
I sincerely cannot stand her. Why? Because her existence in the public eye is POINTLESS.


Well.... there it is. I have a lot more to say about them but I figured I'd at least be a little graceful.
-Ters Out- :)

The Pestilential Public

Working with the public has become less than delightful on the days that it takes every inch of self control that I have left to be "polite and helpful".  The grocery store presents itself with people of many different personalities and walks of life.. most of which can be difficult to deal with at 7am.  I wish I had more patience when it comes to helping customers with a negative attitude.  Just once I wish I could speak my mind instead of smiling and saying to myself, "I love my job.. I love my job.. I love my job". However, I have a feeling I'd get myself into some trouble. But maybe people need to realize that us people working in public places, grocery stores, restaurants, convenience stores, and everything in between... we are only human. Here's what I'd like to say:

"Excuse me Sir or Ma'am,

contrary to popular belief, it is NOT my fault that your coupons are expired. It is NOT my fault the cherries are so expensive. It is NOT my fault that your discount card didn't work the first time you typed in the number. It is NOT my fault that we're extremely busy and there is no one available to help you out to your car with your groceries. It is NOT my fault we're out of the granola bars that you like. It is NOT my fault that I need to see your driver's licence.. (as inconveniently annoying as it is). And it is NOT my fault that you don't know where to find what you're looking for. Last time I checked, I wasn't the CEO of the company I work for.. so once again it's NOT my fault the items in the store have been rearranged. So if it's okay with you.. I'd appreciate being treated like your equal instead of an insignificant, unproductive, and inferior member of society.

Sincerely Irritated,

Grocery Store Girl. :)"

Declivity

Someone once said, "Do something today that scares you."  I always thought it was a cliche' with no place in my life.  Cause anyone close to me knows that I hate cliche's and I hate following.  I've always felt that I was born to lead.  Lead what?  Well... that's one thing I have yet to figure out.  However, on this journey of "self discovery" and "finding myself" (like every other 21 year old in the universe)... I have recently realized that life is extremely boring if you don't do something to scare the crap out of yourself from time to time.  Like talking to someone with which you have nothing in common.  Or trying a certain food that you've never heard of.  Or maybe.. riding that roller coaster that makes you nauseous just thinking about it.  Or standing up for yourself.  Or getting in the car with no destination.  I've done each of these things, but none of those things scare me anymore.  Funny how that works, huh?  Instead, letting others read what I write... no matter what it's about... that's what makes me squirm.  So that's exactly why I'm doing this. This is my own personal declivity leading to the bottom of my creative spring. 

By the way.. "Declivity" means: Descending slope.

This is it for today. :)

-Ters